EP 2. The Relationship Imprint | Why Your Childhood is the Silent Third Party

Why do we find ourselves repeating the same arguments or attracted to the same "type," even when we know better? In this episode, we explores the "Relationship Imprint"; the subconscious baseline for love established by our parents, grandparents, and community before we ever went on our first date.

We dive into the stories of GG, who realized she was trying to "prove her worth" to a critical partner as a proxy for her mother, and Nia, whose "tainted" imprint of love as a form of caretaking for fractured men dictated her early romantic choices. We also hear again from episode 1’s divorcee D, whose parents' "boring team" model led her to seek safety over fulfillment. 

This episode activates a shift from frustration to clarity, teaching you that you aren't failing at love; you’re just following an old map that was never meant for your journey.

Music Credits:
"No Copyright Music" by ikoliks_aj via Pixabay (pixabay.com)

Transcript

[INTENTION SETTING - VO KATE] What happened to our love? Why didn’t I see this coming? In the aftermath of a breakup, intelligent women often turn into investigators.

I’m Kate, and I’m a decoder by nature. For the last year, I’ve been on a mission to search for ways to understand how we miss the mark so much between what we think we know to be true in love and what can really transpire. What I gained in the process was a new perspective and the 'little secrets' sitting behind the reasons why; offering an unlocked growth that we’ve been conditioned to ignore.

Today, we unlock what sits behind the attachment style and patterns you can’t seem to break no matter how much they fail you.

[EPISODE 2 THEORY - VO KATE] I want you to imagine you’re going on a first date. You’ve done the hair, the outfit, you’re sitting there across from this person. You think it’s just the two of you. But in reality, the table is crowded. Sitting right there next to you are your parents, your grandparents, and every 'rule' about love you ever heard before you turned ten.

We call this the Relationship Imprint. It’s the subconscious blueprint that defines what 'home' feels like. The problem is, for many of us, 'home' was a place of conflict, silence, or conditional worth.

Today, we’re auditing the silent third party in your relationship: your history. Because if you don't read the rules aloud, you'll spend your whole life following them without even knowing they exist.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIA]: My brain was like, it was tainted... I didn't have relationships that show me people who can love one another, converse, plan, create... I had to take care of someone. My heart and my mind could not connect. They were like at odds.

[THESIS FRAMING - VO KATE] Our thoughts of why a relationship didn’t work are often biased and buried in our own insecurities, but the root often lies in these foundational pieces. This episode is about identifying your baseline. Are you playing for a 'team' or are you in a 'war'?. By the end of this episode, you’ll understand that your relationship isn’t just between two people; it’s an interaction between two sets of ancient family rules.

Movement I: Proving the Unprovable

[HOST VOICE - KATE] Meet GG, a 38 year old woman currently in a committed relationship after healing from a negative relationship imprint. GG is known to her friends and colleagues as an intellectual who’s passionate and strong willed. She is a master of many skills and a thought leader, currently dedicating her energy towards driving thought leadership on sustainable living.

GG’s definition of love and relationships has shifted significantly through her adult years. GG grew up in a traditional Russian household where marriage was a mandatory next step after university, which she did. Then, after closing that chapter of her love life, she found a new spark in love over a semester abroad in Protugal. When GG met Ian, she didn't realize she had met a mirror of her mother.

That’s the first layer of the relationship imprint, the pattern to seek love by repeating a childhood theme that’s unfinished. Contemplating this pain and the pain that caused our parents to act the way they did leads to compassion for ourselves and the other flawed characters in our touching story.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Can we first get an understanding of like what I wanna call your relationship imprint? So this is something I recently discovered and I find it really interesting. What is the first example of relationships that you saw? So what type of family did you have growing up?

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - GG] A family with both parents and very traditional values and expectations; where a woman is taking care of the kids in the house, also like working a little bit, but that's not her main kind of thing. Her main thing is taking care of the family. And then the husband earning the money and bringing the money kind of thing.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] And how has that evolved throughout the stages of your life?

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - GG] I mean, within my parents' family, it's still the same. It hasn't changed. Like for them, these values are still the same. Umm, I think for me, getting married was a must-do. Like if you don't get married, basically when you finish the university and you don't start having kids in your own family, you're a loser. That's like how they educate you. That's why I got married very early. Well, part of why I did it. Because it's like; ‘you finish university, the next step is marriage’. For a woman, it is even more important or used to be more important than finding a good job. In my head, it's no longer mandate. I actually think even for my parents, they realize that it's not that mandatory, but they're gonna tell you, my mom is still gonna tell you that a woman's happiness lies in a good marriage, not a good job.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] That's super interesting. Where do you think happiness lies?

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - GG] It's lies inside of us. It doesn't come from marriage or job. It is deep within us. You can be in a prison and still be a happy person. But I think, yeah, I think in my head this, even after I got divorced, that's interesting. My next thought was I need to find a new husband. So I started racing looking for a new husband rather than just. Whatever, I can just leave and be. And a lot of that was not because I was still believing in it 100%. It was so deep in my genes and veins and even a scare that your parents are not going to approve or are going to be angry with you until you get married that turn yourself into that belief.

[HOST VOICE - KATE] : Now, we speak to her relationship patterns to understand where the imprint appears with or without her knowledge.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - GG] So I got divorced and I decided I need a new life. I sent a few CV's to universities. I went there and I was full of euphoria. I just want to embrace this life. I don't know how long it's going to last. Because it's hard for us. If you don't have a reason, you can't just stay. You need to be into a job or something. So I thought ‘I'm just gonna make the best of it and be spontaneous’. Then one night, it was probably the first time and the last time ever; when you know when they say you see someone and you lose your mind. This was the situation. Because he was 48. He was very skinny and (not the way you're used to seeing him) he was completely tanned cause he just came from Portugal. Good nice hair like you know like Julio Iglesias know and with his perfect English and charming as he can be. I was like OK I'm done. So I totally fell probably in in love not in love but I got totally hooked.

It was very intense from my side because I started imposing my Russian way of relationship on him. Where, hey we're in a relationship now so we're now living in each other's pocket. Meaning we spend all the time together. We studied together. We eat together. We go out together like everything together and I think he was completely petrified and intimidated. But at the same time he was not fully pushing me away either. So yeah and then Edinburgh was over. I didn't have any job. He was going back to Portugal. There's a job in Paris. I almost rejected it because I wanted to stay with Ian but he told me that I should go because that's my life. That my job. And if we want to make it happen we can still make it happen.

And then there were seven years of long distant relationship and then breaking up twice for three months and then for nine months. I think deep inside of me I knew that this relationship is going nowhere. But I thought I'm gonna come because I don't know; wanted to give it at least from my side, do everything that's possible to save it and make it happen. But then when I came here sometime later I realized that maybe I'm fighting for something the other person doesn't want. So it was over.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Well, it seems like also emotionally you had an instinct of needing to care for yourself. Yeah, I can see that

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - GG] I'm like, in this sense, Russian people were very, what's the word? Not dedicated, which we are, but we are very, how to say it? We can sacrifice ourselves very easily for the people that we love. So if I had to cut down on my expenses and I don't know, to apartment that's worse or... I don't know, find other ways or get a double job, whatever, because of the person that I love in the relationship, I could easily do that.

I was not a very self-assured kid. And my mom was a teacher in my school because she wanted to control me. So you can imagine that first of all, other kids have mixed feelings towards me because there was hate and love, but there was also my mom always spying on everyone. So Whatever.

So, you know, like in life things have patterns. My patterns is long distance. It's like a thing I cannot break. There's something there that I need to break once and forever. But he was from a completely different lifestyle, which I got attracted to something. I don't know. Don't remember what exactly. But then I woke up from that pinky bubble and I realized that we don't have much in common and I don't want the life that he wants.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] And so you don't maybe you don't over assess whether they're there or not there.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - GG] Yeah.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] I like that. I mean, follow the spark, follow your heart.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - GG] And there's another very important element, which I only realized at the end of the relationship after I've been through my psychologist. Ian is my mom. My mom creates, has been creating scandals all my life telling me that I'm useless and there's certain way or certain rules under which I'm supposed to live with her in her house. Ian is exactly the same. Screaming, creating mess, never being 100 % happy with me and dictating his own rules. I'm going to live with you on this distance, how to say it, on this terms.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] yeah.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - GG] …which is a distance, I'm not going to get married. So whatever I was trying to prove to Ian, I was trying to prove to my mom in my head because I never managed to prove to my mom. So I needed Ian to at least prove him, you see, and get to where I want. And so what happened in the end is I...found finally the courage through a voice message, not any other way to tell my mom what I actually think about our relationship, her and my relationship of the past like 30 years. And once I did it, felt so good. I didn't need Ian anymore. It's actually crazy because I woke up and I was like, I'm free. I literally felt free from both of them.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Wow. Wow, that's really impressive.

[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] This is the 'Blueprint for Conflict'. GG was stuck in a ten-year loop because her nervous system recognized Ian’s criticism as 'familiar.' As I reflected with her during our talk, we often seek out partners who trigger our oldest wounds so we can finally 'win' the validation we never got as children. She wasn't fighting with Ian; she was fighting with her mother's ghost.

Our work, then, is not to abolish our connection to the past but to take it into account without being at its mercy. Knowing gives us momentum to find need fulfillment in ourselves and in other people who can love us in a self-affirming way.

Movement II: The Tainted Baseline

[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] "Now, what happens when the imprint is 'tainted' from the start? Childhood forces influence present choices, when we become consciously aware we choose its impact.

Meet Nia, a high powered entrepreneur. Nia saw how her mother’s divorce resulted in being taken back to the projects, leading her to a belief that love was something to be used for survival rather than shared. Nia has grown up to be a successful business leader and growth coach who’s happily married with two kids. This journey didn’t arrive easily, but through multiple reflections of discovery, she began to believe in the power of herself and discovered how to let herself be loved.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] So what I wanna ask you is what type of family did you have growing up? what was your initial impression of what it means to be in love and be in a loving relationship?


[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIA] This is a really good question because you ignited my whole brain. My brain was like, it was tainted. That's what my word came to my mind and tainted in every way because every relationship was not loving and daring. It was, ‘I had to take care of someone’. Right. So what that looks like. I have my mom and my dad. And on my dad's side, I have my grandparents that I hardly ever knew. It was like two human beings existent and I knew that they were married. Right. And then my dad had a wife before my mom. He cheated on my mom with my stepmom who became my new stepmom, right, for life. And this was when I was like three, I was young, so I wasn't in the drama. I couldn't remember that relationship because I was too young and then they separated. So that's my dad's story. My mom, after she separated my dad, she did get married to someone. We lived in a home, like a three story home or whatever. We had our own space. And when I was nine, this person took her back to the projects where she left and divorced her. So right there, that's tainted. So my mom loved, but in that moment when she had that experience, she no longer had love. She had the idea of use, right? I'm not gonna love anyone, but I'm gonna get what I need to help me move further in my life. She may have loved a little bit, but she couldn't love the same way she loved my stepdad because of how much he hurt her. He really did.

So that was what I knew. So when I thought about relationships, I did not have. I wouldn't call it healthy because I don't believe in healthy. Like that doesn't exist for me. But I didn't have relationships that show me people who can love one another, converse, plan, create, and do it from a place of growth. But I was always open to dating. Like I had no walls or boundaries on dating anyone. But what I realized, they were still behaviors that I wouldn't tolerate. So I got quickly up to date with that information. But my husband, he's Spanish, his family's Ecuadorian, but I knew I wanted something different. I knew I didn't want to repeat the cycle I was prone to or knew of. I was like, nope, I didn't want any of that.


[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] And obviously you're a person of great like evolution and growth. So I'm not at all surprised that you sort of built your, you know, relationship in a framing that fits you as a person versus the imprint itself. For would you say, and it's very, it's very powerful to have had such an impactful version of what love and relationship does or can't do for people at a young age. Not everyone has that power. You know, you could say healthy, not healthy, but like you said, it's not really true. It's actually ultimately, it's what we do with that energy, right? And you started to say it, but I'm curious if you would give any additional explanation if I were asking you, how has your self identity of being someone in a relationship evolved? What would you say that is today? Or that was along the journey?


[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIA] When I was younger, my mom had one request of me and her request came out of fear of pregnancy because she got pregnant at 18 and she had to endure physical pain because of that from her parents. So her one thing was not to date before I was 18. So in middle school, I surely didn't date then.

And then in college, I started to date then, but I was always safe and I was always mentally ahead of the game. So if I dated someone, I wasn't giving anything up. And the people that I did, It was because there was either I wanted to I made the choice. I had the power to and there was no guilt with it and there was no attachment. And this is what I learned from my male cousins. They were my educators when I was in high school and I would hang out with them. They were players and I was like, this is how it goes. So I adapted their behavior. Right. Like I found some behavior that I felt like this was safe because I'm not trying to get my heart broken and I adapted their behavior.


My mom's fear, in my opinion, minimized my dating experience to the point I didn't know how to date.

[INTERVIEWER ANALYSIS - KATE] : In this story, Nia speak about her first love. She explains it today as an 'addiction' to a man who couldn't offer the exclusivity she eventually realized she deserved.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIA] I was never raised to run. Like my mom is a fighter. So when something happened and she got her broke, that woman went and worked and made sure we lived the best life in the projects and then took us out the projects and never went back to the projects. Only went up and above. You know what I mean? So I don't know how to crumble in those moments. So when I was in that relationship, that's why I was like my first love. Like I didn't, I've never experienced that before. That was like, it felt like hell at moments and it felt like heaven at some. It had both worlds.


[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] So this relationship that you brought up being your first love and could you tell me the story beginning, middle and what it meant for you?


[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIA] So when I started with this person, we met when I was in college. I remember we going to dinner or like lunch for the first time to a Mexican restaurant, had nachos, loved it. And I think at that moment, we declared that we won't have a label on this. We'll just see what this is. Right. And we started conversing. He lived right by my college. That's the easy walk. And if you have an easy walk, guess what? That person becomes your everyday habit. It's like a habit. It's like an addiction. So we go over, hang out, be like, hey, where we went, where I went to school, went to Brooklyn College. So on the junction, we have a lot of restaurants, stores. Do you want me to grab you anything while I'm coming over, right? I'm thinking about you, want to feed you, right? We were, food was like, I love language too. It was part of the whole process. And I would go over, hang out, and just chill there. I had a car so I could drive home anytime, come and go as I want.


So that seeing you every day, being with you every day creates emotional ties. Then we engage in sexual. So now we're connected physically, mentally, emotionally. But we still have no relationship, no ties to that. I was very clear on the people I wanted to be with. And if you did not look like anyone I wanted to be with, there was no catching feelings. I was very, I'm a loyal person, so there was, in a regard, like if I saw you and I was like, you can get it, that was not even an issue. But I was limited on that, because we had no labels. I was very clear on that is not my life.


[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Mm-mm.


[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIA] But here's the thing, the person I was with was also doing that. He was traveling to Maryland, he had someone there. And there was one point in my life where I got an STD. And that moment was so painful because I did everything in my power to not have that experience. But we were playing with fire because we were able to do things. People call it open relationships now. would have. I don't know if I call it open because I knew it, but it wasn't verbally declared.

And in that moment, it was so weird because he did something to express how sorry he was, but he never. I don't know if he said I'm sorry. And I think he did. But when that moment happened and I'm feeling it right now, it was that heart jumping in and my head leaving. And what I mean by that is even though I know the pain that brought to me, I still was willing to go back.

My brain walked right back in the door and I was like, you know better. And I was like, I know, but I don't know how to get out. I don't know how to leave. I don’t know what to do, like I am, I was addicted. I didn't know what that looked like.

So here's the thing, how did I get out? I never decided to get out. It wasn't my choice. The night he was supposed to meet me is the night that his life was taken. But when he passed. I was just like. First, it was a hole. So people who do separate that person may not pass, but they're no longer there for you to go to every day. So there's this beautiful hole and you don't know how to fill it. And that is what I experienced. Loss and grief for me is when you're tied to something and it's no longer there. And now you have to untie involuntarily. You don't have that no more. There is no bit.


[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Such a clear way to state it. I can feel exactly, yeah.


[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] : What she didn’t realise at the time was how willing she was to become whatever others needed as the price of being loved.


[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] I have a really like you've shared a very clear grasp on your perspective of what the dynamic and relationship was. And I'm just curious if you have a opinion on what you think his perspective was in the relationship, like why he wanted it to be fluid, what would he have qualified it as or what was his?


[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIA] I felt like his dynamic and how he grew up, didn't know too much of it. I knew his mom, but not in a way to know his history. And I can always see him trying. Like there was a moment I came to his house, he surprised me by cooking for me. That was the first time out of how many, maybe a year we've been together. And it was like, whoa, what is this? Like, what is happening? Like this thing. You know, those moments that he would do things that wasn't part of his norm. So I think he knew that his conditioning made him hard to bond with, but there were so many sweet moments that he, and that's what keeps my memories of him alive. He had really beautiful moments in my life where he would do things to try to show me his love, you know?


That is love that I understand because when I was younger, my parents didn't say, love you. They showed me through action. So when he did it, that was what buttered up my heart because that's, I know that love, that love is like, I don't say I love you, sorry, but I will do everything for you. That is different. And that is good. So I'm used, I was used to that. So seeing him do that, it was just part of my norm. You know what I mean? Because that's how I was raised. Today I don't do that.


Once upon a time, it had high anxiety that someone I love left, I would be scared they wouldn't return. So I was crazy with that. That's part of that experience because that's what happened. Where now I've come to the point where when you walk out the door, I'm just gonna hug and kiss you and love on you because if you don't come back, I know I did my part.


[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] If you were, instead of your recapping and you're talking from your heart, if I now ask you to do what I wanna do, which is, can you say what would be the lessons and takeaways that you would want other people to hear based on this experience you went through?


[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIA] I would say to you, be mindful that's what's happening. The things that happen to us, no matter what they are, even the tremendous traumatic ones, they make us better for someone else. If we can get out of our selfish ways … And if you choose, you can actually choose your partner. So understand, if you're choosing someone who is hurting you, you have to ask, why am I attracting that? You weren't raised to know that you had that power in you. So I would say definitely find communities that help you learn about loving yourself.

[HOST ANALYSIS – KATE] : Nia’s story shows us how a 'tainted' imprint makes it hard to even identify what we want. She spent years 'untieing' herself from these old patterns. As she so powerfully said: you cannot ask anyone to love you until you love yourself; it's about looking in the mirror and loving the person who loves back. She had to rebuild her baseline from scratch.

Movement III: The Parent Trap

[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] : Finally, we look back to D’s relationship from the first episode, to reveal how the imprint isn't always about conflict, it can be about a lack of movement. D didn’t intend to repeat her parents dynamics, but one lost opportunity became her unconsciously trap.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Right, so what types of family did you have growing up? You know, who influenced from the beginning of your life what you understood to be a loving relationship?

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - D] Yeah, like I grew up in a really healthy relationship where, you know, my dad, my mom, they were always a team. We were quite traditional. There was, I don't know, no cheating, you know? But I always found them boring. Because they were very good parents, they were teamed up. But I can't say that I will feel the love, you know what I mean? I will definitely feel the respect towards each other. But I think like the thing is that I, I think I slight all the family I was slightly finding them a little bit boring because they were kind of a more that they were arranged marriages ⁓ I think like I was always thinking like I will never like I will never do that.

[HOST VOICE - KATE] : Ds parents were a 'team,' but she found them 'boring'. Her father’s rendition of how no one helped him actualize his potential fed into D’s caretaker persona.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - D]: What I noticed is that I was trying to be that ⁓ hero in ⁓ that man's lives. Because I was always drawn into people who have the potential but couldn't actualize themselves. You know what I mean? ⁓ Maybe they were not growing up in an environment, in a family environment that kind of like pushed them to actualize themselves, use the whole potential. But actually, no one forced me to use my whole potential as well. you know,

[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] : She unintentionally sought to solve her father’s old problems through her partner. What she saw as being a supportive partner, was actually being trapped in a 'fixer' dynamic.

Reclaiming the Narrative

[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] We’re ending today with a new fable. I want you to repeat this:
The map my parents gave me was for their journey, not mine.

Your relationship imprint is not a life sentence; it is just the first draft of a story you are now allowed to edit. This week, I want you to look at your most common relationship 'trigger'; whether it's feeling controlled, feeling ignored, or feeling like you have to save someone. 

Ask yourself: Whose voice is that? Is it yours, or is it a silent third party from your past?

Reclaiming your narrative starts with realizing that you are the author now. 

I’m Kate, and this is The EX Perspective. By the end of this series, I want you to feel activated - not to call them, but to reclaim the energy you’ve spent trying to decode a language they weren’t even speaking. Next time, we look at the 'First Love Butterfly Effect' and how that first benchmark of intimacy taught your nervous system what 'home' looks like, even if that home was a house on fire.