Ep. 7: The Expectation Paradox | Ideals vs. The Intelligent Heart

Why do we chase a version of love that feels like a heavy weight rather than a high-altitude expansion? In this seventh installment of The EX Perspective, Kate audits the "Expectation Paradox"—the emotionally draining gap between the societal "shoulds" we inherit and the reality of what our souls actually require to thrive. We follow the evolution of Nikki, who moved from a traditional "Midwestern Script" of early marriage and McMansions to a radical "Happily Even After," where solitude and unconventional connection are her new superpowers. We are also joined by Leila, whose "Hula Hoop" realization and "Vase" metaphor help us decode why we often wait for external admiration before we allow ourselves to see our own value. This episode is a call to action to stop writing contracts for an audience and start authoring a life that enhances your true nature.

Music Credits:
"No Copyright Music" by ikoliks_aj via Pixabay (pixabay.com)

Transcript

[INTENTION SETTING - VO KATE]  “Why did they leave? Why didn't they call? Why did they move on so quickly? In the aftermath of a breakup, intelligent women often turn into investigators. 

I’m Kate, and I’m a decoder by nature. For the last year, I’ve been on a mission to search for ways to understand how we miss the mark so much between what we think we know to be true in love and what can really transpire. What I gained in the process was a new perspective and the 'little secrets' sitting behind the reasons why; offering an unlocked growth that we’ve been conditioned to ignore.

I want you to think about your "Ideal Relationship." Not the person, but the structure. Does it involve a ring by thirty? A house in the suburbs? A partner who fills every single one of your emotional gaps? We often believe these milestones are the reward for "getting love right," but in the world of the decoder, we see them as something else: The Expectation Paradox. This is the emotionally draining paradox between the ideals of love and the reality of what is actually right for you. We spend so much energy trying to fit into a traditional "contract" that we forget check in with our authentic selves and truest desires. Today, we are auditing the difference between the love you were taught to want and the love you actually need.

[THESIS FRAMING - VO KATE] Our thesis today is that love is not a limited resource you must "capture" to experience; it is an inherent state of being that you choose to share. 

We often use relationship structures as a "Survival Mask" to cover up our true selves, hoping that if we are "chosen," we will finally be "worthy."

While this work mirrors the "Relationship Imprint" we’ve explored in previous episodes, today we look at the dissonance between external validation and internal peace. We’ll hear from Nikki, who’s 10 year marriage went from a Hallmark movie script to a Bravo reality drama when it ended in an intersection of betrayal and stagnation. We’ll also listen to Leila’s desires for love, a sixteen-year-old, who is already decoding how wanting to be chosen impacts her selfesteem.

By the end of this epsiode, you will move from "What am I missing?" to understanding "What am I chasing?"

Movement I: The Midwestern Script (Nikki’s First Act)

[HOST SETUP - KATE] Meet Nikki. We begin by auditing her "Marriage Journey." She grew up in the Midwest, where the "correct goal" of love was clearly defined: graduate, get engaged, get married by twenty-six, buy the McMansion, and have the children. Nikki followed this map perfectly, but as we’ll hear, the map was for a destination her soul hadn't actually chosen.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] So from my early twenties, I was seeking a relationship. I wanted to get married and have kids. I met my then well soon to be husband at twenty three and we dated for a few years. I got married at twenty six and we had all of those milestones that I would say I grew up thinking were important where we bought the McMansion in the suburbs and tried unsuccessfully to have kids. We ended up getting divorced. And the reason we got divorced, I will say there was there were cracks in the foundation that we were not addressing. our generation, I would say, did not have a lot of the the tools or resources that I think the younger generation, what is it, Gen Z now has. And I think at the start of our marriage, I was unhappy. And so I was seeking for him to help fill that void that really I needed to take like accountability and ownership for. I put a lot of responsibility on our relationship or maybe pressure that there shouldn't be but for me, happiness was an external thing. Like it was I was going to be happy when I got engaged or married, had children, got the promotion, the house, all of these external things that may or may not happen. And when some of them didn't happen, it definitely negatively affected our relationship. 

[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] Her marriage became a "Paradox of Reality vs. Expectation." Nikki realized that she was using the relationship as an external fix for an internal void; a classic "Survival Mask" behavior. Her story highlights a profound intersection of "Identity and Relationship." Sociology suggests that for many women, identity and intimacy are fused; they wait to be chosen before they allow themselves to "become".

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] And I think a lot of women can relate and I'm sure it all stems from childhood trauma and you know, not working through stuff maybe at a younger age, but often, sadly I didn't really feel like I was worthy enough. And so I was trying to earn that love and in my relationships, especially early on, romantic ones, I probably over invested and lost that sense of self and identity. And umm, you know when you know, when you're in a relationship, you have one identity, but when you're single, it's a different identity. And I think a lot of people struggle with that, myself included. I will say the majority of my ability to see that was after in reflecting back on it. We ended up getting divorced because my husband left me for my best friend. So they fell in love and it was quite complicated because she was recently married as well and the four of us were essentially best friends. And so not only did that result in our marriage ending, but her marriage ended and yeah, it was a huge, huge challenge to try to overcome.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] So it was fairly traumatic because we we had issues that we were working on, but I didn't realize the degree to which he was unhappy and also building like that connection with her.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] It sounds like a romantic drama that you did not sign up to star in. You thought you were in a rom com and it took a turn.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] Yeah, I started out on the Hallmark channel and ended up on either Bravo or in in some some reality show that I did not sign up for for sure.

I think a big issue going back to communication is we had very different styles. So perhaps he would shut down and not want to talk about the problems. But then that doesn't work and it it can blow up. right. It's it only works until it doesn't. And so I think the lack of communication on his side. There also were anger issues that when under the influence would be compounded. And I think one of the big challenges is how we wanted to spend time together really differed. I wanted us to have like one on one reconnection time to work through some stuff and maybe build a deeper connection. He preferred to be in group settings, maybe to have that as a buffer and to not have to go deeper into conversation, which I think is fairly common for just the the sheer fact that how men and women communicate is very different.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Yeah, it's and I think I think that's interesting because that starts to get into beyond the context of, you know, the you know, nothing's black and white, but where where the areas of gray or the clearly wrongdoings happened, what else sort of fed into this? 

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] We didn't have the tools to successfully communicate and work through problems. We would have substances that were a regular part of our lifestyle that fueled more challenges, which just compounded the problems that we had. 

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE]  I think it would help to clarify how did it end? 

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] This is probably part of that re rom com or whatever, but not whatever you would call it, the reality part. so when he left me, like when he announced that he was leaving, I actually did not necessarily know that it was for her. I knew that there was something going on, but I was hoping that we would work on rebuilding our marriage. There was a period of like a month where I mean this might be dramatic, but it it felt a little bit like purgatory because I don't wanna say we were competing for him, but it it was a challenge to not know like what was ultimately going to happen. And only so much was in, you know, my control, which was really how I would choose to handle like him leaving me. but then within a month of us him and I separating, she chose to leave her husband and from that moment on they were basically together and they moved and logistically, they moved in together basically right off the bat and just started building their life. 

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE]  Do you feel like he didn't invite you to that part of the conversation? Or did he maybe he didn't have the language? I'm wondering what you think his perspective was. Maybe you've talked about it since since you have had closure on that side. and if you think he was sort of not inviting you to part of that.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] I think that he was probably silly as it sounds, afraid to hurt my feelings since I struggled with depression. But ultimately, in the end, how everything unfolded was I think just the culmination of like the buildup. And It's challenging because we did not have like the tools or resources. Like we started couples counseling only one month before we separated, which was way too late. Had we started six months sooner, maybe we would have a different outcome. But we were just in the infancy stages of learning how to communicate successfully with each other. But by that point, it was pretty clear that like he was checked out. 

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Yeah. And it it also seems like now that you've progressed into your independence of this, that you have a sense that maybe he wasn't the right one for you and that in fact it was that maybe the goal was love, but not necessarily being in love with the best partner because of the way you were raised. So I'm curious, like coming out of it after the trauma, after the the perspective, were there things that the you today would not want to be with him for?

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] I don't know if him and I met today, if we would be the right partners for each other. And the other thing that I've been exploring or sitting with is I don't know that I any longer believe that there is one right person for us. And we can experience different types of love and different versions of ourselves at different points in our life. But even had I known that we would end up divorced and I'd have to go through all that heartache, I still would want to have been with him because of all of like the personal growth that I was able to do in the relationship as well as afterwards.

[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] Now we look at the "Expectation Conundrum." When the pressure to hit milestones becomes a diagnostic for the relationship's "success," it creates a lack of safety that makes clear communication nearly impossible.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Yeah, I mean it sounds it sounds traumatic, but the element of we didn't have the tools to work through it and there's also the element of, you know, the pressure that you've put on what was the definition of successful love relationship and the fact that you hadn't been able to have kids and you weren't hitting those milestones that you were planning to, that it's it's like there's an insecurity plus a lack of safety, which just, you know, they just put a lot of pressure from different elements onto the ability to have the important clarity, but not actually the ability to be right for each other. 

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI]  I think what I've learned is a partner will hopefully bring out the a good partner will bring out the best version of yourself and also embrace you for who you are. And to have when you're not in a good place in a relationship, to have those difficult, messy conversations means you have to be vulnerable. And it kind of goes back to the if I'm vulnerable and I show my worst self are they are am I still going to be worthy enough? Are they still going to choose me?

[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] This is the Expectation Contract in its most traditional form. Nikki was seeking a partner to solve her internal unhappiness, a common trap between the heart and the head. She realized that even after she was chosen, the self-doubt remained. She was living in a house built on "shoulds," while her "Missing 50%" was the realization that she was responsible for her own glow.

Movement II: The Chosen Rule & The Vase Metaphor

[HOST SETUP - KATE] The pressure to be "chosen" starts long before the wedding dress. We see this in Leila, a sixteen-year-old, high-achieving student and track runner who is already auditing her own "addiction" to male validation.

I want us to navigate where Leila was first influenced about what to expect from love. Starting with her relationship imprint and diving into the impact of how growing up watching media where "success" for a female lead was inextricably tied to having a love interest.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] My mom is great and I love her. It's just that I don't think either of them were very good in their relationship with each other. But I also thought of another thing that I think really shaped like my view on love, and that's probably the media. Because their romance is portrayed in like almost everything you watch. So I think that that definitely had an impact on me prioritizing romance a lot in my life since everything I was watching was about romance. So yeah.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] And what was no, your answers are amazing, so interesting. What what was romance meant to give you from media? What why did you prioritize it?

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] Definitely it was excitement, you know? I remember since I was super little little, I've always had a crush on someone. Like I had a boyfriend in kindergarten and I've yeah, so it was just like I don't know, it was always like I'm thinking about like the little like teen shows that I would watch. Like there was like Livin' Maddie and that were kind of about like the high school experience that I'd watch in like elementary school. And it just seemed like all every all the main characters they always had a love interest. So I don't know.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Yeah, I can relate and actually I can't even name it myself. I was just thinking like is it like success was associated with being in a loving or like having a boyfriend or having a love interest? 

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] Yeah. Mm-hmm. Something that I find really interesting is that a lot of people think it comes from like needing male validation might come from like daddy issues and that kind of thing. But I have friends who also have not the best relationship with their dad and they still have no interest in it whatsoever. So I find that really interesting.

[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] We then navigaged our conversation to her first boyfriend, where Leila reflects with great maturity on how "the pressure to be chosen" has often overpowered her need to fulfill her own happiness. 

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] What was your earliest what was your earliest actual so aside from boy boy like young praise like interest, what was your first relationship and how did that come?

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] I would say it was in my freshman year. He was someone who everyone told me that I was out of his league. Like I had teachers were really concerned for me because he was a little bit more of like a bad kid. But he was also struggling a lot with his family and stuff. So I definitely stepped into the like healing role there. And I think he was the first guy that I liked that liked me back because previously, like throughout middle school, I always had a crush and they never liked me back. And I remember just feeling like there was something wrong with me. Like I remember I would always watch videos, how to make him like you, that kind of thing. And so when I finally had someone that was interested in me, it really changed my self-esteem too because I realized when I was in middle school, I had very bad self-esteem. So after getting into after going through a little bit of high school, I thought that my self-esteem had improved a lot, but then I realized it was just because I had a guy interested in me. But the relationship was a little bit I'm sorry, I'm all I'm all over the place. Okay.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] No you're not. No. Very, very clear.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] The relationship was definitely not very healthy. we never actually really hung out because he wouldn't tell his family about me. We were together for eight months and we would call and we'd fall asleep on the phone and that kind of thing. We did both talk a lot about our like mental health though. So those are deep conversations, so very emotionally intimate, but no intellectual connection. and I remember trying to break up with him like almost every month and he would beg me not to, and then I didn't.

I also think that emotional and physical intimacy, I've talked about this a lot with my therapist. It's both, they're both kind of like really easy, in my opinion. Like a lot of people have trouble being emotionally intimate, but for me it comes so naturally, and I actually have to try to not. Because sometimes it's a little too much too soon… and just because it feels like it almost feels like being chosen or just like I always compare it to running because I run. It's like stopping running because running is hard. And that would kind of be like when you want to share emotionally and it might be too much. And if you stop running, it feels like relaxing, you know, it feels good, but it's not gonna like You're trying to run. So

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] So like basically you're like you're running, you're trying to get somewhere. So stopping doesn't help you. And while it gives you like momentary breath of air, you haven't gotten there.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] Yes, exactly. And I feel like that's kind of what both emotional and physical intimacy feel like feels like when it's unhealthy because it's just it's something that you're used to. It's a really easy way to find comfort. And that's another thing that I've been working on in therapy that I think is so important. And that's reframing my relationship with comfort and what comfort looks like. Because another thing about relationships and how they're so exciting, like sometimes it might be like a romantic situation kind of you're thinking about when you're trying to sleep. But what I'm wondering is why. Is that more comfortable? Why is that more fun to think about than say your future or a friendship or like anything else that probably is adding more value to your life? And I think it's just the fact that it's been so ingrained in us that romantic relationships are so important. So I've been trying to relearn that and I think it's been helpful. And really glamorizing the feeling of choosing myself.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] I love that; Glamorizing the feeling of choosing myself. And I I can so relate to the comfort in so interesting the way you say that. Like there's so much comfort in sort of daydream or even thinking about the romance, but yet there's comfort coming from other places. But that's where you almost like crave it, you're addicted to it the most is in that

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] I think that a relationship or a love interest should always be adding value to your life, not the main source of value.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Yeah, I love that. I've always taken

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] And and it should always add value because sometimes I've liked people who don't add value to my life at all, and that's not very good. I've been going to therapy and I've done like a lot of work with like my self-esteem. And it's really about feeling chosen by someone else that I think especially like a man, like feeling chosen by a man, it makes like the things that they see in me feel makes it feel more valuable, I guess. But you have to get used to choosing yourself and giving yourself that value. And if you work on your self esteem and you start to view yourself better when you approve of something that you're doing, your approval will mean more than some random guy.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Everything you're saying is like, that's so interesting. I've interviewed women across the spectrum and like even women I talk to in their forties talk about just learning this idea they're repeating the pattern of trying to fix what their parents went through with their partner. So that's insane that you've realized it now. Like you're way ahead of the game in that and of course it's not like you're not gonna fall in the trap again. Like that's part these are patterns for a reason. 

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] Yeah. Yeah. Well, I've had quite a few boyfriends and I even dated a guy for almost two years. And I still don't really think that I've ever been in love. Because I this is this is kind of funny, but I think about what my future wedding vows will look like. And there's this one sentence that I want to be able to add in. If I can't add it in, then I know that he's not the one. And that's the I I want it to be someone that I'm choosing because they're adding value to my life, not because I don't feel okay without them. To me, real love would be I can live without you, but I would rather live with you. So it's based on a choice because you see them and you love them for who they are. Not just because you're attached to the idea of being with them. 

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] I love that. I love that. That too. Yeah. And I think that's where media served us wrong because it's used to be like two halves make a whole. And now I think we're all coming out of the the guise that that's a that's a good thing. 

[HOST ANALYSIS- KATE] We also have to audit the "Potential Part of Craving Validation." Leila realized that when a boy didn't stay, she devalued the very parts of herself he had once admired, feeling that her skills were only valuable if they were enough to make someone else choose her.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] Okay, so this actually starts in middle school. When I was in eighth grade, I remember I had a crush on this boy. I think all he did was like hold the door open for me or something. But I had the biggest crush on him. and I remember I remember I broke my wrist and when I was on like all this medication from breaking my wrist, I remember just crying, like, why doesn't he like me back? And I feel like that was like when I think about it, I feel kind of sad for myself. Like I was just so distraught over him not liking me because it was such a pattern. Because every time I liked a guy, they didn't like me back. 

And then I eventually got over him and this year at school, well, I was at work and I had his Snapchat because we'd been snapping back and forth for a little bit. It's completely unrelated to middle school. Like that was completely forgotten and over. So we we got along really well and it felt like I was showing up, showing up super authentically. I felt really great. And then I remember I have this skill where I can hula hoop on my foot. So I showed him that and he was really impressed. And this is kind of an important memory. I remember journaling about it because after he ghosted me, it kind of felt like the little things that impressed him weren't enough. So it made it feel like it was less valuable. Like the things about me that he liked felt less valuable because they weren't enough. And I remember having all of these fears kind of going on in my head. I actually wrote them all down. 

These are and this is what I wrote for my fears. I'm scared that I'll become clingy and start expecting some level of commitment from him. I'm scared that he'll think less of me. More importantly, I'm scared that I'll think less of myself. I'm scared that I'll start using sexual interactions as a way to feel chosen and secure. I'm scared that my attachment issues will be triggered. I'm scared that I'll start saying yes when I don't want to, and I'm scared that I'll ignore dysregulated feelings. 

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] I love how you're assessing it and understanding yourself and where you're you're looking for comfort. It's it's interesting to me that that's the context, right? Like so this the the more recent guy, he ghosted you, right? And I'm guessing you're saying you've gone through your head of like, what did I do wrong or why aren't we together? Right? Have you ever tried to consider the other perspective of like, what if it had nothing to do with you?

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] Like there definitely is some of the question, like if like why I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying here. But I I have thought about it and I think that it definitely does have more to do with him than with me. 

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] But it could have nothing to do with you. 

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - LEILA] I definitely think with this situation, the ghosting, I felt super proud of myself because at first I did a lot of work to just let it go and to not blame myself and to like choose myself even though he wasn't choosing me. So there was kind of this feeling of growth. Because at first I was able to do it, but then kind of as time went by, I got I started thinking about it more and that kind of thing. And I think that that might have more to do less with him and more just with the fact that I didn't have another love interest. And I realized every time that I get over a guy, it's actually because I've gotten with another guy. So I don't even know, like And I feel like I've done the emotional like processing of everything, but it's just that I'm still in this state of wanting romance and I don't have any other options. So I'm just thinking like I'm just looking for someone to be interested in, I guess. Things that I find value in aren't valuable unless someone else also finds value in them.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE]  And I unfortunately relate to that. but have also done the work and have the perspective. We're vases and everything that's inside the vase is beautiful and worthy. But I'm looking outside the vase to see who's admiring the vase.

[HOST ANALYSIS- KATE] Instead of knowing the flowers are inherently beautiful, we often look outside the vase to see who is admiring them to confirm our value.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Right. When I ask you, who are you? And what makes you valuable? You would not, if you were talking about a vase of flowers, you would not say what makes of these flowers valuable is the people that look at them. They look at them because they're valuable. You would say because they're colorful, because they're playful, because they exude energy. Like see yourself as the freaking glorious vase of of flowers. 

This moves us toward the shift from Empowerment to Power. Empowerment is being told you are enough; Power is the action of choosing yourself even when the room is empty.

Movement III: Happily Even After (The Shift)

We return to Nikki to explore what it means to shift your entire perspective from expectation to personal fulfillment. Now, Nikki is forty-two, single, and currently living with a "quiet confidence" in Chicago. While, twenty years ago, she was a twenty-something following a Midwestern script she thought was mandatory. She has officially deviated from a life built on a foundation of "shoulds". 

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] So, you know, people talk about how their marriage is their happily ever after, and I consider my divorce my happily even after. At 34, that was the first time I lived alone. And it took me a while to embrace being alone and not lonely. And now that I've done that and I've like built a life that I love and I don't want to escape from.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] It's interesting the way that you speak to what happened. I wanna like latch on to this right now to understand a bit more your journey to maybe forgiveness

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] I think I've been able to embrace like the forgiveness and truly move forward. And I was able to do that within like six months to a year because I have had so many amazing experiences that I would not have had if I was still married. 

[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] By removing the "expected structure" of love, she was able to have a "Sexual Revolution".

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] Since my divorce I've been on a exploration journey to understand myself and how I show up in relationships and Until like the past, I'd say three to four years, I was a very I had that anxious attachment style. And that created challenges in a lot of my relationships.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] I wanna ask you about dating life after the divorce and what that was like and if there are any you know I know some, but does you know, as you like to share, but you know, if there are any I guess relationships or people you invited in that you that helped you progress or like didn't in a way, right? 

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] Sure. I'll say that I stumbled a lot pretty soon after I got divorced because I had been with my husband for more than a decade. So dating apps were not just besides e harmony, dating apps were not around when I became engaged or married. So it was my first time navigating like online dating. And also after my divorce trying to find my own identity as like a newly single person. And there's a lot of struggles that come with that. And again like when you're meeting people and trying to be yourself, it's like a vulnerable thing. And trying to date with no intentions or I like this phrase high possibilities, low expectations. I like dating. When you go on a date, you never know if you're going to find the love of your life, if it's going to be a friend, sometimes even like a professional connection. 

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Give us some examples.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] In California during the pandemic, I was shopping on Craigslist and found actually one of my really good friends, the Craigslist, but we started with dating and it evolved into a friendship. Actually, in Chicago, I bought my couch on Facebook Marketplace and have gone on several dates with the guy I bought it from. I was at the dog park and someone came up to compliment me and my dog, who is the cutest thing on this planet, and we started chatting and we've gone out on a few dates as well. I was sitting on the bus and started chatting with someone and we went out on a few dates. It's happened on the train. I think when you are engaging with a person, if you're excited to talk with them and interested, like I think the sky is the limit. I also love the phrase, it take it only takes one, like one good interview to land a job, like one great first date to, you know, proceed to more. But I had more success as I like reduced like the pressure on myself to find that partner and because I've embraced being single and I love my life, I'm no longer looking for that external validation or that happiness in someone else. They're just an added bonus or extra benefit.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] And what is your relationship situation?

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] So I am, let's see, I'm forty-two, single, and for the first time I'm not anxiously looking to date and be in a relationship. When I previously dated, I've dated with the intention of wanting a partner and to move in together, where now that is no longer the goal. Like I really solitude and I am dating that that has accelerated in the past like few months especially since the weather has gotten better in Chicago. People are more interested in being out and about. but yes I'm single and happily dating and also dating through not just using the apps like I have previously so it's a lot of new exciting things.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] What would success look like for you? What is the kind of relationship you're looking for?

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] I'm open to different structures of relationships and it really depends on the person. And I'm noticing that depending on the person I'm seeing, they bring out different sides of me. And I think at the end of the day I'm just really looking for a partner like where we have like shared values and communication But I'm no longer in it just to say like I'm on the fast track to wanting to get engaged and married. And that's a new shift for me. 

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] Nice. And I'd love to get into if if you're willing this expectation of what love standard is versus the evolution of how open you've become. Cause you already mentioned you now in, you know, maybe open to open relationships. So how did that from the original expectation of like this very traditional love relationship lifestyle, when and how did it evolve and what what are the evolution stages that you've gone through?

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] Such a fun question. I actually love talking about it because I feel like, you know, sex was so taboo, and I say that I had like my sexual revolution since my divorce, really even since the pandemic, because that was like two years after my divorce. And by then I had sort of figured out who I was. It kind of goes back to with different people, we can explore different parts of ourself. And I have found I have been a part of like sex positive networks. I have gone to sex clubs and had different experiences and it's allowed me to like learn more about myself I've found my confidence actually through these, which might seem a little bit weird. I think recognizing the beauty in myself and what makes me unique.

[INTERVIEWER VOICE - KATE] It if I'm interpreting your journey, it's almost like you've gone from this, you know, re loving relationship sits within an expected sort of structure to this evolution of not looking for external validation in in in how you receive love, but also in the way that you find love, the way that you are going to have love. And so with that being gone, it just really has opened up this self experience and, you know, self-appreciation that allows a much more openness.

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] Yes, absolutely. And I think one of the things I've realized is in a relationship, I was always putting like my partner at the top of the list. And now for the last several years, I'm at the top of my list. 

Nikki has truly "Built a life that she now loves and represents her." She moved from putting her partner at the top of the list to becoming her own biggest advocate

[INTERVIEWEE VOICE - NIKKI] So I feel very grateful. And no longer am I like searching for like perfection, like I can sort of enjoy a little bit more of the in-between because I think the older I get, the wiser I feel about embracing the progress along the way.

[HOST ANALYSIS - KATE] This is the Agency Revolution. For generations, a woman's social currency was tied to her marital status; being "picked" was about safety. This is why the "pick me" energy persists; it is a survival reflex from a system that once denied women independent power. Nikki moved from the "pick me" energy, by separating her worth from the labels of partnership, gaining the power to own her actual needs. 

Depth Expansion: The Potential vs. The Person

[HOST VOICE - KATE] The most profound "little secret" in this audit is that we often mourn the potential of a relationship rather than the person standing in front of us. We fall in love with the "High-Altitude Illusion".

Nikki and Leila both show us that a new standard of care emerges when we stop settling for the idea of love and start valuing the reality of our own growth.

Closing Integration

[HOST VOICE - KATE] We end today with a new fable: Recognize that if you are waiting for someone else to admire the flowers in your vase, you have abandoned your own divinity.

This week, I want you to audit the "Why" you’ve been chasing. If you are looking for an answer from an ex, or a commitment from a current partner, just so you can finally feel "worthy," stop and look at the difference between the pressures of what you think you are meant to have and the internal reality of what you actually want.

Your "happily even after" starts the moment you stop settling for a life someone else authored and choose yourself. 

I’m Kate, and this is The EX Perspective. By the end of this series, I want you to feel activated, not to call them, but to reclaim the energy you’ve spent trying to fit into a script you didn't even write. Next time, we explore 'The Addiction of Presence' and the biological science behind why your brain feels like it’s going cold turkey.